andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon What is this, a gambling intervention? Who put you up to this? 10 to 1 it was mom!
←Rate | 09-20-2013 10:33 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just once I'd like the world's oldest person headline to end with "fends off bear."
←Rate | 09-19-2013 11:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon No, I didn't accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
←Rate | 09-19-2013 10:59 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
←Rate | 09-15-2013 07:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
←Rate | 09-15-2013 07:10 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or tulips
←Rate | 09-10-2013 22:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
←Rate | 09-09-2013 11:01 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
←Rate | 09-07-2013 07:20 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes.... It's dark, isn't it?
←Rate | 09-07-2013 07:00 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
←Rate | 09-04-2013 11:18 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough
←Rate | 09-04-2013 11:10 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He's got a gun!" and then you'll look like a cool hero.
←Rate | 09-02-2013 15:59 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I see an old couple holding hands, lost in eachother's eyes, I feel good, because I bet I could totally take them both if I had to.
←Rate | 09-02-2013 09:31 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole bag.
←Rate | 08-28-2013 05:35 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I want to make sure I got this straight. Ben Affleck as Batman would make Batman unbelievable?
←Rate | 08-24-2013 05:59 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet the best day of a "fun" building inspector's life is when a tin roof is rusted
←Rate | 08-24-2013 05:56 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got all dressed for work and then remembered it's Wednesday and I don't have a job.
←Rate | 08-21-2013 13:06 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon There are two kinds of people in the world- those I'd catch during a trust fall and those I wouldn't.
←Rate | 08-15-2013 06:34 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon here's to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
←Rate | 08-12-2013 08:13 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon A fun thing to do when someone asks if there's a doctor in the house is go, "No but there is A FLY MC IN THE HOUSE!" and just start rapping.
←Rate | 07-29-2013 07:43 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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