andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Just once I'd like the world's oldest person headline to end with "fends off bear."

   No, I didn't accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.

   can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.

   The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.

   Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or tulips

   You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head

   Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

   Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes.... It's dark, isn't it?

   Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?

   every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough

   If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He's got a gun!" and then you'll look like a cool hero.

   Whenever I see an old couple holding hands, lost in eachother's eyes, I feel good, because I bet I could totally take them both if I had to.

   Chips have little nutritional value. That's why you need to eat the whole bag.

   I want to make sure I got this straight. Ben Affleck as Batman would make Batman unbelievable?

   I bet the best day of a "fun" building inspector's life is when a tin roof is rusted

   I got all dressed for work and then remembered it's Wednesday and I don't have a job.

   There are two kinds of people in the world- those I'd catch during a trust fall and those I wouldn't.

   here's to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store

   A fun thing to do when someone asks if there's a doctor in the house is go, "No but there is A FLY MC IN THE HOUSE!" and just start rapping.

   Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty butt elsewhere.