andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon The recipe called for a hint of sea salt, unfounded rumors of rosemary, open threats of thyme, an unauthorized search and seizure of pepper.
←Rate | 05-23-2015 09:44 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Was there ever a time where secretly giving "bunny ears" in a photo was actually funny?
←Rate | 05-31-2015 07:30 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
←Rate | 05-31-2015 07:40 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Many yard sales happening here today, some hard to distinguish from "we had a fight so I threw his stuff out the window onto the lawn."
←Rate | 05-31-2015 07:41 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.
←Rate | 06-13-2015 06:46 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 16:53 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?
←Rate | 06-20-2015 16:56 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I miss the days when if a person took a billion pictures of their own face, they would end up being institutionalized.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:07 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon To unsubscribe from our mailing list, please catch a wild bear and bring it to our headquarters where you will have to wrestle it and win
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:21 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Contort my hands into gang signs before the rigor mortis sets in so I die legit
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:21 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you can't handle me at my worst you're probably good at setting boundaries.
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:27 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm the Rain Man of knowing exactly how many fries you stole while I went to get napkins.
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:22 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon When they named Newfoundland, it's like they just weren't even trying.
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:24 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If only I could be as witty as local news anchors think they are.
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:46 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Voices woke me up in the middle of the night, champagne was a ripoff & I'm still trying to leave. 1 star. -online review of Hotel California
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:54 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Here is my panic room. Over there is my slightly anxious room, and next to the foyer is my complete mental breakdown room.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 06:12 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you've ever seen a foal being born then you pretty much know what it looks like to watch me get out of a beach chair.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 06:14 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have no idea what swag is, but I'm fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 06:19 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 06:43 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Finally woke up before the birds, gonna go scream at them.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 06:46 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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