andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Hug your casual acquaintances. Fist bump a frenemy.

   Pretty sure my dog would make a horrible astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare her

   Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   I really like the phrase "inspector gadget level incompetence"

   This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.

   Yes, a Catholic school girl uniform will attract attention. But I don't think that is the look you want. Sir.

   BREAKING: DNA evidence clears curiosity, cat murderer still at large.

   Why do we have silencers for guns but not for boxes of movie theater candy?

   I learned about life from 'Adventures In Babysitting.' The city is full of freaks and as long as your hair is fabulous you will not die

   Just bought an actual CD, then put on my bonnet and churned the rest of the butter before Pa got back from the silversmith

   We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done.

   Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja

   Word of the day - MACROVERBUMSCIOLIST -Someone who pretends to know a word, then secretly looks it up.

   Just tore the tag off my mattress and there's nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

   If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.

   Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

   The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!

   Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.

   I bet fish have a lot of arguments about what's causing the land to lower.

   What is this, a gambling intervention? Who put you up to this? 10 to 1 it was mom!