andrew jackson Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.
←Rate | 11-07-2013 20:57 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Hug your casual acquaintances. Fist bump a frenemy.
←Rate | 11-07-2013 20:34 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pretty sure my dog would make a horrible astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare her
←Rate | 11-07-2013 20:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"
←Rate | 11-04-2013 05:37 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I really like the phrase "inspector gadget level incompetence"
←Rate | 11-02-2013 06:58 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.
←Rate | 10-31-2013 05:52 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yes, a Catholic school girl uniform will attract attention. But I don't think that is the look you want. Sir.
←Rate | 10-27-2013 08:23 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon BREAKING: DNA evidence clears curiosity, cat murderer still at large.
←Rate | 10-27-2013 08:20 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do we have silencers for guns but not for boxes of movie theater candy?
←Rate | 10-25-2013 05:52 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I learned about life from 'Adventures In Babysitting.' The city is full of freaks and as long as your hair is fabulous you will not die
←Rate | 10-22-2013 05:31 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just bought an actual CD, then put on my bonnet and churned the rest of the butter before Pa got back from the silversmith
←Rate | 10-09-2013 05:40 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done.
←Rate | 10-05-2013 07:24 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
←Rate | 10-03-2013 22:22 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Word of the day - MACROVERBUMSCIOLIST -Someone who pretends to know a word, then secretly looks it up.
←Rate | 10-02-2013 05:45 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just tore the tag off my mattress and there's nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
←Rate | 10-01-2013 12:41 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
←Rate | 09-26-2013 05:34 by andrew jackson Comments (1)  


   messageicon Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.
←Rate | 09-26-2013 05:33 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
←Rate | 09-23-2013 11:37 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
←Rate | 09-23-2013 05:32 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet fish have a lot of arguments about what's causing the land to lower.
←Rate | 09-20-2013 10:33 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  



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