Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Brain: Let’s dance. Legs: We don’t do that. Tequila: Just give it a minute.

   If you have accepted Nicki Minaj’s music as hip hop then you can’t *itch about Macklemore winning the best rap album award at the Grammys. You can't lower the bar for one person and deny another.

   Some couples experience a deep, unconditional love that transcends words and exists as happiness in its purest form. I have that with vodka.

   Every date is the first date if you get black out drunk every time.

   Look me in the lazy eye and tell me you love me. Other eye.

   Your tongue is the best alarm clock.

   Animals that walk on two legs like humans should wear underwear.

   I think some of these suicidal people are just attention whores. If you really want to jump off a building or bridge you should do it around midnight when there is no one to try and stop you.

   I really like what you've done with your crazy.

   Sometimes a status I have worked so hard on goes unnoticed and unliked. So I get it women who spent two hours getting ready and your boyfriend doesn’t even notice.

   Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.

   Scales at the doctors office should come with a hug.

   Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.

   The more complicated the coffee order the more complicated the person.

   I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.

   How can I lose weight if the best part of my day is based on food?

   Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   I couldn't handle life if I wasn't weird.

   Some of these girls look like they masturbate to their own selfies.