andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   They say women dress for women and undress for men, whereas I dress for my pets and undress for joggers.

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: it before

   I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster

   Dressed my snowman up as a security guard, and then I put him out in front of a snow bank.

   I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.

   Imagine the first guy who built one of those big water fountains telling everyone: "I hear if you throw money in this, you can make a wish!"

   When I die, keep it simple. Just launch me into space while Elton John plays "Rocket Man" on a glass piano and Maya Angelou reads my statuses

   I was so angry at my parents when I found out Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.

   "If you've been hurt in a car wreck you need someone who will fight to get you the money you deserve. I will pee on your bed." - cat lawyer

   I just called. To say. I texted you.

   Just saw a store that already has Easter decorations out

   BREAKING: PETA releases shock video of tiger, caught by toe, being detained despite hollering.

   Attention people that only post inspirational quotes: we know you're nuts.

   I'm old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.

   Mike Tyson claims he was high during fights. Strange he seemed so normal and in control of himself.

   French toast is just regular toast that smokes cigarettes and has a tiny mustache.

   Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.