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X I wonder if women ever walk into a bar, see lots of women and think, "This bar sucks, it's a taco fest in here!"
X The only worse thing than 'the one that got away' is the one that won't leave me alone.
X I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse when most of you won't even stand up to a spider.
X I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.
X You said "CALL ME!", but you didn't hold your pinky and thumb out and put it next to your ear, so I didn't take you seriously.
X Never heard ladies getting so excited about something that is only 4 inches long.... Well done iPhone5.
X Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning........ People only notice it because it's annoying.
X I wrote a song for you. I hope you like it. It's called "Your Face Pisses Me Off."
X BREAKING: Referee lockout to end; Replacement refs to report back to Foot Locker ASAP
X Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.
X No modern civilization has ever been around that did not include alcohol and religion. Which ironally enough is why a lot of people drink religiously.
X Whenever any of my ex's leave me, I find out a short time later they end up getting married. Which actually makes me feel better. At least now she's miserable too.
X I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.
X They've installed a machine at the BAR which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM.
X I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I went out to get my GF some milk and got blown into the f*cking bar.
X I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.
X If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.
X A woman said to me earlier....... "You're the most sarcastic bstard I know." I said, "Thanks....... That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."
X The left lane is for club members only. If you're not sure if you're in the club, move over.
X I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I've ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologize.