hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   I bought a smart phone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show

   I don't know if It's considerate or Ironic that McDonald's wraps their hamburgers in toilet paper

   I don't know why we just don't take a bunch of nukes and level the middle east and those towel heads once and for all

   Love is like working out it hurts really bad until you just give up and eat a cake.

   There are men in this world who have killed sharks with their bare hands. I can't even touch a picture of a bug in a book.

   Kim Kardashian is reportedly overeating while pregnant to secure a lucrative weight loss deal. Didn't her sex tape already prove she'll put anything in her mouth to make money?

   The only difference between Mcdonald's and my work is Mcdonald's has only got one clown running the show..

   If by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.

   Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?

   Life is uncertain which is why every morning, before I leave for work, I hug my kids and whisper "avenge me.."

   Speed remake idea: In this version you can't EXCEED 30mph, Keanu is an old Asian lady, the bus is the car ahead of me, and it's not a movie.

   When picking a song to represent your relationship, go for something obscure in case you ever break up. Mine is the National Anthem of Peru.

   Tonight I'm playing hard to get off the sofa.

   Thank god we don't send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?

   The back of every furniture assembly manual should have a coupon for couples counseling.

   I'm learning how to let things go, one throat at a time.

   If HR made employees settle their disputes with public dance-offs, everyone would try a lot harder to get along.

   If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just silently texting about their crappy Saturday and never make friends with each other