andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   5:spiders 4:snakes 3:serial killers 2:child molesters 1:couples that sit on the same side of the booth

   If being successful was an amusement park, I'd be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.

   if you love something let it go, if you don't love something definitely let it go. basically, just drop everything, who cares

   My dog was sleeping so I put his paw in warm water. He peed all over the floor. I laughed but he's not embarrassed and I have to clean it up

   Here's to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.

   Fell down the stairs today. Counting it as a workout

   I had an epiphany, but I forgot it while I was trying to spell epiphany.

   FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.

   Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep

   Just overheard someone say they need an "escape goat" for their project & I can't decide if they're a complete idiot or an evil genius.

   Every superhero has a secret identity except Aquaman because no one cares he's Aquaman

   I love my kid but I'm still going to eat his fries when he goes to the bathroom then lie to his face about it.

   You think you love your family but suddenly there's three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.

   Throw caution to the wind. Throw indecision to a tornado. Throw anxiety to a cyclone. Basically, If it's windy make real bad decisions.

   Just realized who in the heck did I get a more better grade in Spanish class then I did in English?. Doesn't make cents.

   Paper shouldn't beat rock -- maybe smooth jazz fusion or contemporary country, but that's it.

   Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

   Some guy just asked me for the time like it's freakin 1993. "Hold tight good fellow, allow me to fetch my timepiece from my pantaloons."

   Just found out the Dukes of Hazzard weren't really royalty it was just the last name they lied! Hollywood is a liar!

   Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Please leave a message that I'll ignore until you text me like a normal person. Thanks