Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 05:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”
←Rate | 01-05-2018 19:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.
←Rate | 11-13-2017 05:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 08:59 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 13:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 17:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.
←Rate | 11-21-2017 12:06 by Mic Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 05:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 06:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
←Rate | 12-16-2017 08:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I look at you, I can hear music.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 04:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's so cold out I walked into my bank and the tellers were wearing ski masks
←Rate | 01-07-2018 23:08 by Depirts Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 06:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 11:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years
←Rate | 10-12-2017 13:30 by CrackY Comments (0)  


   messageicon Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
←Rate | 11-10-2017 00:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can’t play it safe and have fun; but with fun, there comes a price.
←Rate | 11-26-2017 04:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 08:53 Comments (0)  



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