andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

   We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done.

   my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer

   every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough

   FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.

   I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...

   It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get it together, every other vegetable

   Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.

   Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't.

   People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.

   Sometimes I walk up to a plant and exhale carbon dioxide all over it. Did I save its life? Maybe. Am I a hero? That's for history to decide.

   There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.

   Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.

   I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.

   Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

   I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.

   Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?

   I'm the Rain Man of knowing exactly how many fries you stole while I went to get napkins.

   FYI: THIS IS THE FURTHEST IN HISTORY ANYONE'S EVER GONE!!!

   If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.