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X I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.
X Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.
X It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
X I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes...
X To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
X I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...
X Relying on the government to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping tom to install your window blinds.
X My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.
X Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I'm dealing with. Some of you are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.
X If you have to "take a break" then you two are NOT together. Timeouts are for sports, not relationships.
X So the new Titanic 3D is out.......... Maybe they'll see the f*cking iceberg this time.
X I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."
X Someone at work has been stealing my lunch from the refrigerator....... Tomorrow, I'm bringing a cat food sandwich... BON APPETIT MOTHER F*CKER!!!
X "Mommy! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM! Kidding. He only eats kids. Goodnight."
X I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.
X The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
X A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
X You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!"
X I can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today. :)
X My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the drain is clogged again."