@UncleBSolomon Funny Status Messages

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   A person without a sense of humor is like a car without shocks, they get jolted by every rock or pebble in the road.

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE BUTTERCUP.

   I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me

   Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.

   I'd publish my autobiography but it's just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.

   12 years of school, 4 years of college; so now I can type "c you @ 2" #reallife

   In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I'm keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   Back in my day, #Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.

   Marriage Lifelesson: Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.

   Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   I love millennials. Their are so many parallel parking spaces they don't know how to park.

   How I love #Monday. On a different subject. Have you ever met someone for the first time and wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

   My new phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian. That my dear people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in

   Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you teeter between, "Woo Hoo, the week is half over" and *tear*, "the week is only half over.

   Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!

   New study finds that everyone you disagree with is are stupid.