jitney Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I had this stupid female waitress taking out order. My friend asked for a Caesar salad, she then asks: "What dressing?" My brain almost imploded.
←Rate | 12-16-2016 02:37 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life would be a million times better if there were pinatas strategically placed throughout the day.
←Rate | 12-14-2016 23:39 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wife sent me a pic of her new outfit and asked me "if it made her look big?" I texted her back "Nooo" Obviously...but it got auto-corrected to "Moo"
←Rate | 12-10-2016 20:29 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon She texted me, "Are you near your phone" I texted her back, "No" She replied, "well text me when you are!"
←Rate | 12-10-2016 20:08 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon $60,000 was stollen from a WholesFood store in NY early this yr. Luckily Wholes Food will make that money back with the next batch of apples they sell.
←Rate | 12-10-2016 19:46 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon That moment when my wife snooping around on my phone and accidently FB live recorded herself. when confronted she still claims it wasnt her... priceless
←Rate | 12-10-2016 19:41 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kids nextdoor challenged me to a water balloon fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for mine to come out of the freezer..
←Rate | 10-21-2016 21:17 by Jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hillary bumped into Trump on the way to the White House and she said "Pardon me"...He Replied, "You want another Pardon?"
←Rate | 10-21-2016 12:50 by Jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon DonaldTrump is doing one mean Alec Baldwin impression tonight.
←Rate | 10-19-2016 21:42 by Jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hillary: "Donald you need to release your taxes" Donald: "I emailed them to you!"
←Rate | 09-28-2016 23:53 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Melania's Speech was 100% real... Trust Me I was THERE!" - Brian Williams
←Rate | 07-20-2016 04:17 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon Im in the restroom using the urinals and someone walked next to me to catch a Pokemon!
←Rate | 07-15-2016 13:10 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies
←Rate | 06-20-2016 00:42 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor
←Rate | 06-06-2016 00:39 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon "HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING THAT BRA" The friend replies. EVER SINCE MY WIFE FOUND IT IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
←Rate | 06-06-2016 00:28 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon A car pulled over. The driver anxiously asked me: "What is the shortest way to South Miami hospital." I said: " Close your eyes and keep driving."
←Rate | 01-21-2016 12:41 by Jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon Here's a TIP: Never ask a woman what's wrong and never not ask her either.
←Rate | 01-21-2016 12:38 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon I heard on the radio a statistic that said that one out of three women in miami is pretty. I looked to the right...wow...I looked to the left...wow...I hit the car in front of me and a woman came out...wow.. Who the hell is collecting data?
←Rate | 01-21-2016 12:36 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why are rat traps in the car-care section of this Walmart supermarket? Plenty to catch if they set it at the front of the store..
←Rate | 01-19-2016 15:15 by jitney Comments (0)  


   messageicon Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
←Rate | 01-11-2016 21:21 by jitney Comments (0)  




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