Will Funny Status Messages

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

   How do you know you've found Lebron James' cell phone? It vibrates and receives calls, but doesn't have a ring!

   Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

   I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog than hear another one of your boring stories

   The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.

   Everybody needs to believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.

   1:00 in the afternoon and no one is on xbox live? What do people have to do this early in the morning that's sooo important you can't play call of duty?

   If I wanted a job where I got screwed every day, I would have became a prostitute.

   ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

   A blizzard in January, and a tornado in February. I didn't realize how bi polar mother nature really is.

   n't it amazing how the sound of one persons voice can ruin your whole day at work.

   Work would be so much better if there was nap time, recess, and gym.

   You are now aware that you can't say Irish wristwatch.

   Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.

   knows Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words...

   I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

   I love snow it can make the dirtiest ghetto look clean.

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

   Why don't Polish people kill frogs? Because it's their national bird.

   I bought a car last week. Well, by "bought" I mean "poisoned" and by "car" I mean "my neighbor's dog."