Paul Funny Status Messages

   So, if your wife is looking at job postings and says "Look honey, this one says I have exactly what they are looking for" and you reply "What, big boobs?". That is NOT the right answer...

   Just found out that Oprah is leaving her show after 25 years. I didn't know that! How in the world could I have missed that? Oh ya, I don't give a crap...

   I like to consider myself like King Soopers...I too, take pride in the quality of my meat.

   I wonder if my life would be better if I wrapped it in bacon?

   I guess having a rope tied between two trees in your backyard does not mean you "own your own clothing line".

   Just found out that being a "person of interest" is not as cool as it sounds.

   This weekend is either way too short, or I don't have enough Long in my Island Iced Tea...

   I was sitting in the store parking lot and noticed one of those "Smart Cars". I was at first thinking it was pretty cool until I saw the owner tying his Papa Murphy's pizzas to the roof.

   I saw a sign on the lawn in front of a 7-11 the other day, It read "Stay off the grass". I thought it was a weird place for a "Say no to drugs" message.

   I heard the gas companies are going to be changing the grades of gasoline from regular, mid-grade, and supreme to tall, grande and venti...

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!...WITH A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA!! Crap, didn't work.

   You know, come to think of it, I have never seen Charlie Sheen and Gaddafi in the same room either.... Coincidence?? Just sayin...

   I told my wife the best way to get motivated to lose weight is to try on the bikini she wants to wear this summer....She told me to shut up and take it off.

   You know that song by Bruno Mars called "Just the Way You Are"? Did you know if you changed that lyric to "Just Get In My Car" it changes from a love song to a really scary stalker song??

   Do you ever walk toward automatic sliding opening doors, hold your hand up, and as they open think, maybe, just maybe, the force is with you today??

   it might just be me, but oranges from the tree at the cemetary seem a little sweeter.

   Ever see a flower poking up through a crack in the sidewalk? The crack represents the troubles in your life, the flower is the possibilities.

   Ever notice how your dream girl often turns into your nightmare?

   Every notice how your dream girl often turns into your nightmare?

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, but Jack ran out of breath, undaunted Jill got up her will and she went down with Beth.