Hot Tea Funny Status Messages

   one question: Exactly how long are your parents going to hide your acceptance letter from Hogwarts?

   I've fallen down the stairs before. I don't see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.

   A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud.

   set my phone to "Airplane Mode" and it told me not to call it Shirley.

   If Facebook ever starts showing how many times a person has visited someone's profile, a lot of people are going to have some explaining to do.

   I just saw a "Git-R-Done" bumper sticker on a Prius and I don't know what's real anymore.

   I don't run away from my problems so much as I let them go on ahead without me.

   And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself: Did I remember to clear my browser history?

   It's so hot out... the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

   At lunch, and just ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.

   Normally my dog opens the door with his face, tonight he sat and looked up at me when we got to the door. So I opened it with my face, I can see now why he's not a fan of this method.

   Me: "What color hair does the tooth fairy have?" My son: "Red, because it is you. I don't believe in fairies." My other son: "Her hair is gray. She colors it." Maybe I should have taught them to believe in fairies.

   I can leap off tall buildings in a single bound, but only once.

   A box of poptarts to any one that can find my underwear.

   Sometimes my mind wanders. I don't know what it does the rest of the time.

   made an observation at the drug store today. There's an aisle that pretty much sums up the phases of life in products. Diapers, condoms, and adult diapers. From peeing in your pants, to lots of sex, then, back to peeing in your pants.

   If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.

   My youngest turns 13 in a couple of weeks, which means I'll have three teenagers in the house. I can only assume that qualifies me for some sort of federal disaster relief funding.

   In my next life, I pray Zinggers don't taste so good.