Gabe Funny Status Messages

   They said a mask was enough to go into a grocery store. They lied, everyone else had clothes on...

   I went on a blind date today. It didn't start out that way, but she brought pepper spray...

   Blowing on the vodka in my coffee cup to convince the rest of the Zoom meeting it's coffee...

   Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...

   Don't drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back...

   After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!

   I was kidnapped by a gang of Mimes earlier!! They did unspeakable things to me...!

   Me: "Hey Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   I hear someone screaming! That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store...

   Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."

   With my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again...

   Times are tough so once again I will be selling nude photos of myself. $5 to get one. $25 to get none...

   it still called a gas pedal on an electric car?

   Don't come to me for advice. We'll just end up at the liquor store...

   If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me...

   Based on the amount of laundry I do, I'm pretty sure there are people living here that I haven't met yet...

   It cost me $0 to cut you off and believe me, I love free stuff...

   I have no clue what's open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home...

   Me 9am, "I think I'll make roasted chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner."... Me 5pm, "Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery..."

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."