DeeX Funny Status Messages

   Never date a woman over 35 whose cats are named after fashion designers.

   Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

   I'm seriously going to become a marriage councelor and whenever couples come to me, my therapy would be making them both browse through a dating website for 30 minutes.

   You don't need a Corvette when you have a big pen*s

   All these folks (mainly women) wanting to see a 50 Shades of Gray movie or Magic Mike 2. Should we tell them they can watch MUCH better porn online for free?

   I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".

   Some days, you just gotta remind yourself "Stab'em below the waist and it's only assault, NOT attempted murder."

   It seems like I can have any woman I DON'T want.

   ATTENTION: Miley Cyrus is worth MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. She probably doesn't care what we think of her.

   Even though Kanye West DID NOT compare himself to Nelson Mandela, would it really surprise anyone if he actually had?

   I would 100% support legislation to make it mandatory for all public restrooms be equipped with flushable baby wipes. :-)

   Music should come in 3 genres: music you fight to, music you f#@k to and music you speed to.

   97% of women over the age of 25 who have "never done that before" have done that before.

   THE POWER OF THE WINKY FACE: We need whipped cream. We need whipped cream ;)

   Sweatin' like a Catholic Priest at a Little League game.

   Hey A-Rod, will you sign my syringe???

   Does anyone remember the "occupy wallstreet" movement? Weren't they supposed to have been a big deal and get something done??? Talk about fizzle out like a bad fart.

   Everyones like "George Zimmerman this, no justice that" I'm just over here like, "I'm gonna eat a popsicle."

   I think it's funny how women that love expensive things give themselves away for next to nothing.

   Everyone else's plans for pretty weekends: "I'm going to the lake" "I'm hanging at the pool" "We're going to the park for a picnic" And I'm just over here like "I'm gonna eat a waffle."