Stevielea Funny Status Messages

   I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy.

   When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.

   Thank you for all your kind messages on my birthday.....and thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   I'm busier than a cucumber in a woman's prison!

   An average person farts 13 times a day......... finally!! I'm above average at something.

   If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   I cut the swooshes of my nike socks and sold them to my neighbours wife to use as eyebrows.

   He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too!

   If I'm ever on life support, unplug me..... then plug me back in. See if that works.

   ATTENTION!!! Heavy rain is on the forecast this week, please use permanent markers for your eyebrows.

   In a crowded room I like to let out a silent but deadly fart then shout "do I smell popcorn" so everyone gets a good whiff!

   Never trust a person who doesn't sing along to Bohemian rhapsody when it comes on the radio!

   Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!

   If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.

   FACT : If someone is playing Xmas music in October, you're legally allowed to kill them and use their corpse as a Halloween decoration.

   Most people wake up feeling like a million bucks, me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   Why weigh yourself when you could set yourself on fire then roll in broken glass and feel the same way!

   Don't you hate it when you think you see a good parking spot but then you turn the corner and Stuart f@&k!Ng little is parked there.

   My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!