flinnie Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."
←Rate | 04-12-2011 07:54 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so out of shape, I threw my back out taking a poop!
←Rate | 04-13-2011 05:39 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon For the past 20 years I've been trying to figure out how to "Stop" Collaborate" and "Listen"
←Rate | 04-13-2011 05:50 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd be a terrible fireman, if anyone said their roof was on fire I'd tell'em "You don't need no water, let the mutha f'er burn!"
←Rate | 04-15-2011 05:52 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"
←Rate | 04-17-2011 05:50 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon i farted at work today, and a co-worker complained about the smell. Its air passing over $h!t what'd you expect it to smell like?!
←Rate | 04-18-2011 21:18 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?
←Rate | 04-19-2011 00:36 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.
←Rate | 04-21-2011 02:15 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm pretty sure that just before I get to Walmart some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping
←Rate | 04-25-2011 05:55 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I text my mom just because the thought of her staring puzzled at her phone trying to find her texts is difficult to resist
←Rate | 04-28-2011 10:03 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to proceed
←Rate | 04-28-2011 10:05 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Driving home today I saw a guy in a pink snuggie jogging. Sadly that's not the craziest thing I've seen in this town.
←Rate | 04-28-2011 10:07 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon When people say “I'm not getting any younger!” I wonder what other basic life concepts they just figured out
←Rate | 04-29-2011 06:03 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon the royal wedding is as close to porn for females as you're ever gonna see...except Twilight
←Rate | 04-29-2011 13:42 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out
←Rate | 05-03-2011 12:17 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Saw an ad in the paper about making money buying abandoned self storage units. Or as I like to call it: entry level grave robbing.
←Rate | 05-08-2011 17:29 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Vanilla Ice, how does one rock a mic like a Vandal? By sacking Rome?
←Rate | 05-08-2011 17:32 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon 47% of Detroit residents cannot read. No kidding, they would have read the signs welcoming them to Detroit and leave.
←Rate | 05-08-2011 17:41 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't consider my dog my child. My child would not be able to knock you down like Ray Lewis and crush your bones with her jaw at 9 months
←Rate | 05-11-2011 18:08 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was younger, I wanted to be a famous writer like Hemingway. I got the alcoholism down, just not the hunting and suicide part
←Rate | 05-11-2011 18:12 by flinnie Comments (0)  



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