eengrms Funny Status Messages

   Poor Jodi Arias... If only she had a Heisman Trophy...

   Relationships should be like flying... You should only be allowed one carry-on and all other baggage should be checked at the door...

   The level of patience I have with stupid people is actually pretty remarkable...

   Do you know what this town needs? Another Walmart. - said no one ever.

   I wish I could have a lazy Sunday but my to-do list is longer than Aaron Hernandez's rap sheet...

   My 2yo is super bossy. He is telling everyone what to do. Oh I gotta go he said I have to get off the computer...

   I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...

   I just tried to find something in my wife's purse. I think I hit the wrong combination of buttons and now the sky is turning black...

   Strange to have so many people focused on a single woman's pregnancy who are not Texas republican lawmakers...

   I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...

   Today was the kind of day where I understand how someone could become an alcoholic...

   Miley was front page news longer than the last school shooting...

   The only person who should have a gold iPhone is Mike Myers...

   If the US government shutdown affected alcohol or internet porn they’d have it fixed by tomorrow morning...

   I hate being petty and wishing misfortune on others, but some days it's just necessary...

   I'm starting to think that Dr. Dre isn't a real doctor after all...

   The American Music Awards are so predictable... I didn't win a single award again this year...

   So Paul Walker was cremated... I hate to point out the obvious...

   I think instead of doing laundry I'm just going to buy a second hamper...

   Bieber's arrest doesn't give him street cred, it actually just raises the street cred bar a little higher...