Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 8 or 9 times, just to be sure.

   Dear friends, I could make a chemistry joke... but all the good ones argon.

   I just saw a huge and very intricate spider web, but no spider. This foreclosure crisis is really getting out of hand

   They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

   I don't think dogs like giving high fives as much as we think they do.

   I'm playing the "Tetris" background music in my head when I load the dishwasher,,,,, Awesome

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China

   The C.D.C. says that more people die every year from Diarrhea than heart attacks??? That's NOT good news for me and my family because Diarrhea runs in my "genes",,,No really,, I've got Diarrhea in my "genes" right now

   ■Does anyone else realize that in about 40 years, we'll have a million of old ladies shuffling around with tattoos?........ ( all I can say is ,,Ha,Ha,! )

   Laughter is the Best,,,,,,,,, Way to get the judge to reduce your sentence..☺

   I can't remember the last time I had amnesia this bad.

   It's really sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   Guess what YouTube,,, I will ALWAYS,, “Skip this ad.”

   I'm thinking when they say,, "Instant Credit",, I think they really mean,, "Instant Debt".

   The love of Money is the root of all evil.. For more information,,,, send $20 to me.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times,, and you are a weather man.

   I no longer wish to share this nation's roads and highways with others.. Sorry for your inconvenience.

   My wife dropped her purse and now my balls hurt.

   I just saw what looked like a menstruating raccoon "Planking" while a crow scratched her back,,,, How cute!! I should take a picture..

   I just read a list of “100 things to do before you die”. And, I've got to say,, I'm pretty surprised that “yell for help” wasn't one of them.