Huck Funny Status Messages

   Stevie Wonder just filed for divorce. He wanted to not see other people.

   There are three stages of a man's life: He believes in Santa Claus, he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.

   I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

   There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.

   People are so excited about the 100m Olympic times, but Jason Voorhees could beat all those clowns just walking.

   Cat burglars commit daring robberies with stealthy skills, while kitten burglars are so cute people just give them stuff.

   When asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

   In a bizarre turn of events, erectile dysfunction cases are on the rise.

   Happy birthday to Sir Mix-A-Lot! People forget how persecuted big butts were before he wrote that song.

   I had to take a lie detector test at a job interview once. No I didn't.

   Cats are so disgusting it makes them puke.

   You'd think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it's a guy in a costume every time.

   Ladies: if a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it

   Helpful hint: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.

   You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can't conjugate verbs.

   I'm a card carrying member of Card Carriers. I'd show you my card but my hands are full of cards.

   Across this country right now, college marching bands are practicing call me maybe in time for the kickoff of college football.

   Sitting at a crossroad, strange I don't see Bones, Thug or Harmony

   I bet if my favorite rock stars saw how hard I rock out & jam to their music they would say "I want to hang out with that dude forever."

   Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.