Goober Peas Funny Status Messages

   Its all fun and games until the K9 unit shows up and they tell you to pop open the trunk ツ

   If you're dealing with any personal issues, family drama or problems with something a person has posted about you... let me encourage you to share it on Facebook. Give full details and we'll help you sort it out. That's what we're here for.

   If you can't say anything nice about someone, then say it very vaguely and put it as your Facebook status ツ

   Life is too shart. Stupid autocorrect ツ

   "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best," which would include; projectile diarrhea, pantless Sunday and 'fix me a sammich woman'! Yeah, that's my 'best' ツ

   Even at 50 years old, I can still turn a lot of heads. It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though ツ

   Getting Sticky Buns from a bakery is awesome. Getting Sticky Buns from the toilet seat at work... not so much ツ

   If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries... or the stain on your carpet ツ

   I don't use a lot of hand sanitizer because I'm a germaphobe. I just like everyone to think that I'm hatching a dastardly plan ツ

   Today, I just appreciate my middle finger. It always sticks up for me ツ

   Kinda slow at work today, so I started browsing different pom sites. Cutest little doggies ya ever seen! ツ

   Having hemorrhoids isn't so bad. All of the itching gives you something to do with your hands when you quit smoking ツ

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements ツ

   I don't mean to brag, but after 30 years of marriage, my wife and I still have sex almost every night. We almost had it Friday night, almost Saturday, almost… ツ

   Golly, I'm not quite sure if it's cold outside. Could someone please post a picture of the temperature in their car? Anyone? ツ

   I'm sorry, but your job opportunities are limited here in light of the tattoos on your face and neck. How are you at handling a spatula? ツ

   Why is it when that I ask what the acronym STFU stands for, everyone is so fricken mean??? ツ

   Much to my dismay, chocolate labs aren't quite as delicious as one might think ツ

   Life Fact #37: it's impossible to have a bad day when you're wearing 'Hello Kitty' underpants ツ

   I started my new abs workout tonight. I did 25 crunches while sitting on the toilet. I gotta cut back on the cheese. Oh yeahhh, feel the burn... ツ