Dude Funny Status Messages

   Mayweather landed more punches on his wife than he did on Manny.

   How you get almond milk? Almonds ain't got no nipples!

   It’s an employee’s job to respect management but it's managements job to give them something to respect.

   I've decided to become a Veterinarian and a taxidermist so no matter what, you'll get your dog back.

   Mexico is like America's basement; yea, it's a little dirtier, but it's a lot more fun.

   Yea, the Duggars. You spit out that many kids, 1 or 2 are bound to be defective.

   Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.

   Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Uummm...Gul Dukat.

   With all the social injustice and government misconduct all over the world at a fever pitch, lets go ahead and focus on deflated footballs and soccer corruption instead.

   Do what's right to do, not what you're told to do.

   Childhood I'd idolizing Batman. Adulthood is realizing The Joker made more sense.

   New Jersey residents are being advised to NOT eat the fish washed up in the sewer. Which is ironic considering the sewer is the cleanest part of New Jersey.

   If gay couple want to get married and be just as miserable as straight couples, let'em.

   Gay Divorce Court is going to be hilarious.

   If being gay was so wrong, then why didn't it make it onto God's top 10 list?

   Someday, I'll be as rich as the Clinton's were when they said they were broke.

   With all the craziness going on in the world, I can just say; stay strapped, my friends.

   Never get attached to your coworkers. You might have to throw them at a deranged gunman someday

   It's sad when your chances of winning the lottery are BETTER than getting a decent raise at work.

   I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately broke into pieces and crashed on the floor.