Susan Funny Status Messages

   Girls pick jerks over nice guys the same way guys pick sluts over cool girls.. we are all idiots.

   I just want a man who knows the difference between… Its/It's… Your/You're… Two/To/Too… Their/There/They're… and eats my pu$$y like a pro.

   It's not our fault you have a small d ick so don't take it out on us. Really, don't take it out.

   There's no statement as powerful as a man crying. I guess I should stop hitting him.

   It's recycling day in my neighborhood tomorrow or as I like to call it - haul the wine bottles to the curb night!

   I'm too pretty not to be having sex right now.

   I'm going to start smoking again until I find someone better to do with my mouth.

   No matter how independent I am, I can never bang myself...So yes men, I still need you.

   Shut the hell up and do me. - How arguments should end.

   There will be no sandwiches after sex. There will be either sleep or death. Enough with the sandwich talk.

   The thought of you makes me clench my thighs......hard.

   The ladder to success sure does have a lot of p enises on it.

   I don't need a man. But I want one. That means those of you with no jobs, no cars and no money still stand a chance.

   As a woman, I always take good care of my eyes coz they are the only balls I have.

   If we're standing there kissing and my hands are in your pants, I'm what you'd call a sure thing.

   My daddy issues are now old enough to vote.

   My left nipple is 3 minutes slower than my right at hardening.

   Light beer is for pregnant women and p ussies!

   Nothing shows over-familiarity like leaving just your socks on.

   I love being a woman. I can slap anyone on the ass and get away with it.