Jerry Carter Funny Status Messages

   Time to buy groceries. More food in a crack house than around here!

   I am about tired of all this frozen global warming!

   Dopers all over the United States morn as Hostess announces it is shutting down operations. No more sno-balls, Twinkies, King Dons, and other comfort foods. On a brighter note, stock in Cheetoes has gone thru the roof!!!!!

   I asked the attendant for 5 bucks worth of gas, so he farted and gave me a receipt!!

   We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....

   Remember safety first.... Reach, Throw, Row, Go......Only you can rescue someone who may have stepped off into a pothole!

   You know it's getting bad when you are shopping at wal mart and some little wise eyed kid runs up in front of you and starts yelling stranger danger at the top of her lungs. I was just lucky the lady working in lingerie knew I was there and was helping me

   What's with all these diaper companies.... I have tried three brands so far... The bag clearly says 12 to 14 pounds..... Folks I am here to tell you, not one brand held over 10 pounds before we had to change them.... Talk about a mess!!!!

   So the electric motor on our ceiling fan went out. We had a old blender that was about to be a yard sale item so I modified it and rigged it on the ceiling fan. Now I have off, high, tornado, and hurricane. And oddly, a self cleaning house now.....

   I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa....Well I think it is a scam!!! Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving!!!!

   We thought a 747 was landing in the hall last night. After checking everything out it was just a central air unit flying south for the summer!

   I just finished my taxes...As much as I am going to have to pay...The least Obama could do is send me a photo of the family I am sponsoring!!!!

   I had a late nite knock (rather hard) on the front door....Before I knew it I was flushing items down the commode.....On a side note....if you flush skittles it looks like a overhead view of NASCAR at Bristol..

   I just checked. There are no restraining orders against you. There's no reason you can't attend church!!!!

   Any kids dressed as Obama, who have worked real hard and have a bunch of candy, will be required to give it to me, cause I had rather have took a nap instead of collecting my own candy. Thank you!

   I just heard that in order to show no hard feelings, Phil has ordered the staff at Duck Commander to increase production of pink duck calls by 25%!! What a guy...

   You ever felt like a fool, by waving your hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic. Other folks in the rest room think you are a ninja of something....

   Where are all these beautiful singles in my area that want to meet me. I keep getting a popup with photo's of several ladies, However I have never noticed them at wal-mart, the grocery store, church, or anywhere around here. I Think this may be a scam!!

   After the debate last night and according to tradition we should have a long hard winter....Both Hillary and Donald saw their shadows.

   Woke up screaming Sunday morning. My apologies to everyone at church...