Dylan Bosch Funny Status Messages

   You know you drank too much last night when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator."

   You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!"

   Some 12 year old called my house at 2:45 this morning to ask if I ordered Indian food. I said, "Are you serious? I ordered that 8 hours ago!" He stuttered, apologized, and hung up! Prank Call Reversal!

   My road rage doubles in winter. Not only does everyone drive like they're 100 years old, but I get even more enraged when I flip someone off and realize I'm wearing mittens. Now I'm pissed and embarassed."

   hates that kids complain about video games for "Loading"... Back in my day we had to blow the sh*t out of games just to play'em and even then it was a gamble to work. So kids, Shut up!"

   Sometimes I smile in the middle of telling a story, not because I'm fondly remembering something, but because I'm impressed with the BS I am creating on the spot."

   Pandora tells me what music I like, Netflix tells me what movies I like.. Refrigerator: Why are you such a slacker?!"

   Any story you tell about something you did the night before, that starts with the word "Apparently," is probably awesome."

   Never hold your farts in. They go up your Spine then into your mind and that's where you're shi*ty idea's come from!"

   All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy!"

   I have a recurring, hour-long meeting set on my work calendar for 4pm on Fridays. There's no actual meeting, but I'll be damned if I let someone schedule a real one at that time."

   Did Greek sculptors make their subjects stand outside in the cold, or have penises just gotten a lot bigger since the ancient times? Either way, trips to the museum always boost my ego."

   It's pretty sad when the highlight of a three hour football game is out staged by a red m&m."

   A Brunette, A Blonde and a Man with Dandruff walk out of an Elevator, The Brunette says to the Blonde "Someone need's to give that guy some Head & Shoulders!" the Blonde asks "How do you give Shoulders?"

   It's hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don't rhyme."

   I want to apologise if I poked you last night, I'm kind of a whore when I'm Drunk."

   ...remember when we were YOUNG and couldn't wait to grow up? ...WOW, what the hell were we thinking!?!?"

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that.."

   If you die in a manner that leaves your body unrecognizable they identify you by your dental records; if they don't know who you are, how in the world would they know who your dentist is?"

   some girl told me straight up that she had a boyfriend.. I said well I have a Goldfish! she said what? Oh, I thought we were talking about sh*t that didn't matter."