Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   I tried ordering one of Justin Bieber's CDs for my niece's birthday on Amazon. Amazon said "costumers who bought this also bought a rope and a stool."

   Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.

   Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.

   Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I'm going to the liquor store and I'm afraid it may be closed.

   Since Wikipedia is in blackout today, in protest of online anti-piracy laws, can anyone tell me where the G-Spot is?

   Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".

   I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.

   Today is full of possibilities and I have a strong feeling none of them are mine.

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public.

   Denial (n.) Balding men with ponytails.

   Did you know, if on a full moon if you light a candle and say the name of someone you love 3 times, you'll look stupid doing that?

   If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

   I'm pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison

   Repeat after me: It doesn't matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won't solve it.

   People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to and get along with.

   Saw a bird crap on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   Why do actors think we care who the they are going to vote for. Make movies and shut up!

   This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

   The embarrassing moment when you accept a compliment that wasn't meant for you.

   I don't take my wallet to work because I'm afraid someone will steal it while I'm sleeping.