@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a soberphobic.

   The Royal Wedding, live on YouTube. The Royal Honeymoon, live on RedTube.

   Me and my missus got ready to cuddle up and watch our home made porno. I got up and pressed play, but unfortunately It was finished before I sat back down.

   BBC News: Couple remarry 57 years after divorce. God bless Alzheimers.

   They say so many people die because of alcohol... Perhaps they never realised how many of them are born because of it.

   "Boob" is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view, and the b looks like the side view.

   BBC NEWS: Government plans to ban all Internet porn. On an unrelated note, does anyone want to buy a laptop?

   I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, ''I love you.'' She said, ''Is that you or the beer talking?'' I replied, ''It's me... talking to the beer!''

   Pain is nature's way of saying "Don't do that." - Painkillers are mankind's way of saying "F*ck it ... go ahead"

   Thought of the day: If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

   1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375 GB in about 3 seconds... And you thought virgin broadband was fast.....

   10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden - In his house.

   Wife: Do you want some dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No

   When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect. Although I never did receive that Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.

   My wife says I waste money on gadgets we don't need. At least that's what it says in the email she sent from the toaster.

   BBC News: David and Victoria Beckham expecting fourth child. Oh wait, no, she's just eaten an apple.

   I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p. I've adjusted the price to cover inflation.

   I'm a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt. I was f-kin hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

   Breast Awareness month: we stare because we care.

   If a person from Iceland and a person from Cuba have a baby together, would it be considered an ice cube?