unknown comic Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about
←Rate | 03-12-2017 07:15 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm starting to think Trump vs Hillary is because someone went back in time and stepped on a butterfly, and know where living in a future that was never meant to be
←Rate | 10-03-2016 05:57 by unknown comic Comments (2)  


   messageicon Fun party hosting tip: Put dozens of extra coats on the bed. When guests ask where everyone else is, laugh maniacally & change the subject.
←Rate | 12-13-2015 19:13 by unknown comic Comments (1)  


   messageicon Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
←Rate | 01-23-2016 07:01 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon "For birthdays, someone will blow air and spit on candles and a cake. Then—hear me out—people will eat it." -- the guy that invented birthday parties
←Rate | 01-23-2016 06:59 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.
←Rate | 03-10-2017 07:06 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not enough dishes to fill up dishwasher. Had to wash three cups and a fork by hand. This must be what it felt like to live in the old west
←Rate | 06-25-2015 05:56 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Took a quiz "Which Sex and the City character are you?" Turns out I'm the bus driver who splashes Carrie in the opening credits.
←Rate | 08-30-2015 07:33 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Woke up this morning with a song in my heart. Sadly, that song was "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas".
←Rate | 07-09-2016 21:59 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACT: I've been rescheduling the same dentist appointment since 2009
←Rate | 05-20-2016 18:49 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon As a kid my Mom would remind me that you can get killed crossing the street. At some point it sounded like a suggestion.
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:18 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
←Rate | 03-31-2017 04:16 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon I shot out of bed last night with the awful realization that Charlie Tuna was a tunafish that loved the idea of people eating tunafish
←Rate | 07-05-2015 19:01 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon .What's your dog's handkerchief for? Is he robbing a stagecoach later?
←Rate | 06-20-2015 17:41 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Being a baby seems fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours. That seems fun
←Rate | 08-08-2015 06:26 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every musical should have a minor character that's aware of all the music and dancing and is visibly terrified.
←Rate | 10-12-2015 09:42 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Day one of my waffle cleanse
←Rate | 11-03-2016 05:54 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I was a ghost, I'd write "Happy Birthday" in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it's still your birthday.
←Rate | 07-20-2016 19:40 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky
←Rate | 03-18-2017 06:19 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
←Rate | 09-19-2015 07:37 by unknown comic Comments (0)  



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