Y.P Funny Status Messages

   - My mates were arguing over whether a glass was half empty or half full. So I took the glass and put the contents into a smaller glass. Problem f***ing solved...

   Our boss called the office together this morning to show us where all the plug sockets are. I hate power point presentations.....

   i'm such a fabulous cook, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on!

   Wife came home from shopping, I asked her why she had to spend over £100 on makeup. She replied "It's so I can look pretty, why do you have to waste so much money on beer". I told her it was to make her look pretty. Had to sleep on the sofa that night.

   Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

   -- Is it called a "Wonderbra" because when she takes it off you wonder, where the f**k have her t*ts gone ?......

   My new doctor is a very attractive busty blonde.....I have now given up eating apples !!!!

   Your mama's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed just to measure how long she slept.

   - I've had so many f**king blind dates recently....I should be eligible to a free dog...

   I'm gonna get a #2 tattooed on my back... just so the person behind me knows what position their in !!!

   What do you get if you eat a Blackberry ? ... A Bluetooth.....

   -- I saw a kid earlier with a hairy face and horrible beady eyes.......Saying that, I suppose it's normal for a goat...

   Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in....

   -- People often offer me incentives to quit smoking such as ......"Think of all the money you'd save".........Surely that'd just be the money i'd need to survive my longer life ?...

   Vegetarians - My food sh**ts on your food........

   - I got stopped by a woman in the street today.... She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."........

   I just shaved a hedgehog. It was pointless.

   -- split up from the missus yesterday, I'm now very sad and upset. I had to go to work today with my clothes creased.....

   -- Magazine collectors, they have a lot of issues....

   Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.