JC Funny Status Messages

   My biggest pet peeve is that people expect me to remember their pet peeves. Please don't forget that!

   Man with Corona virus seeks woman with Lymes disease

   I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty confident I could win a spelling be.

   I find it astonishing I can remember every wordto Wild Wild West by Will Smith, which I haven't heard in 10 years, but can't find my keys

   Okay Christmas, you're on the clock...

   I wish Brett Favre would stop texting me photos of himself. The guy is getting out of control.

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons

   Microsoft Word! I try and move an image 1mm to the left, but all text and images shift, fonts change, four more pages appear...in the distance, sirens.

   it bad that I just lit the cigarette of the pregnant woman I just bought a drink for?

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, Don't tell me what to do.

   I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

   at Office Depot wearing a raincoat looking for a staple remover.

   Today I heard that song where the dogs bark Jingle Bells. I must admit those are some pretty talented canines. I've been working on that song with my dog for two years straight and he still gets mixed up during the third verse. He's not the brightest.

   "I now pronounce you, "husband and what the hell did I just do..."

   The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

   Tonight's Jets/Bills football uniforms resemble my Starbucks cup.

   I can't believe I wasn't paying attention at 1:11 on 1/1/11. Argh. I waited all my life for that to happen. Darn, darn, darn it. 2:22 on 2/2/22 just won't be the same.

   I'm an optimist and Windows 8 will be my idea.

   My kid has A.D.D. and a couple of F's.

   Went grocery shopping this morning. I noticed that the bottle of household bleach I bought has a safety seal on its opening. Glad my floors or toilet won't be poisoned. Interestingly, however, my toothpaste does not have a safety seal. Thanks Uncle Sam!