Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"

   Alcohol does kill brain cells. As a kid I could name all the dinosaurs. Now I can name maybe three, and I'm not even sure armadillos count.

   I feel like I should apologize to my shower drain.

   The best thing about using exclamation marks is that no one knows how sad you are!!!

   If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status... Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   The car seats in your Neon really accentuate your gangsta lean bro.

   Once I get my paycheck I turn into Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'.

   it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep

   People!! I have been watching the news the last few days. Now, I never took journalism class, but I'm petty sure "Don't Interview Traumatized Children" came right before "Learn To Spell".

   I bet most braille on public signs says: "How did you know this was here?"

   I don't have the blood alcohol level to deal with you

   You've gotta admit, cuddling with a giant panda would ALMOST be worth getting your face ripped off.

   How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words.

   if Da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20125215-00854.jpg"

   V@gina jokes are not funny at all. Period.

   Miley Cyrus eats Twerky for Thanksgiving..... (I am so sorry)

   I've had six red bulls so of course I'm counting all the leaves on the trees as I drive past them.

   In California, you can get a medical marijuana prescription for anxiety, insomnia, or wanting your Lean Cuisine to taste like real food.