@topherjordan Funny Status Messages

   Friendly Christmas Reminder: If you're telling a joke to a group of family members and friends, and no one laughs, there is NO need to REPEAT the joke a second time!

   If I never use a smiley face in any of the texts I send you.....it's safe to say I don't like you.

   So, are they going to place Joe Paterno's statue in the library to remind people to keep quiet?

   In the popularity contest that is Facebook, I'm currently in 609,264,326th place, slightly higher than in real life. Win!

   Whenever I walk into a Wal-Mart I automatically hate everyone.....including myself.

   The key to forgiving somebody is to remember that not everyone is perfect like you.

   It's really kind of sad we live in a country where we are the most entertained, yet the less informed.

   I've stocked up on extra batteries for valentines day.

   This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.

   I hate it when I don't know what I'm talking about and you try and correct me!

   Why is that when a girl says, "I'm going to die alone," it elicits sympathetic awws, but when I say it people just nod uncomfortably...

   I had a dream last night that everyone I loved abandoned me. Morgan Freeman was there too. Man. That guy's in everything.

   I'm in a Long Distance Relationship....My Girlfriend Lives in the Future!

   I wake up easy most of the time, but every now and then, I wake up hard.

   Where there is alcohol, there is a way.

   I came, I saw, I took a nap.

   Stop talking to me and stare at your phone. It’s 2013.

   I think I'm going to procrastinate tomorrow......but I haven't decided.

   If I had an imaginary girlfriend, I would be smart and never let her die.

   laughing at all the lovey dovey posts today from the same people who were so miserable in the exact same relationships that they felt it news worthy enough to post how miserable, unhappy and thoroughly disgusted they were with that exact same person