@ballysboots Funny Status Messages

   My wife is a mute. She communicates by embroidery. It's her own version of sign language, sew to speak....

   Benedict XVI won't even be able to flog his hat on ebay. He's closed his papal account....

   Me and the missus have got an aviary at home, but one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80s music. Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark....

   My mate asked me,"Do you like Tom Hanks movies?" I said, "Well I'm not a Big fan..."

   This is a historic day today - one we will all remember. A woman on a bed with the whole of Britain watching and waiting. RIP internet porn....

   The human eye can distinguish between ten million different colours. But can my wife tell the difference between red and green? Four hundred quid for a new bumper says no....

   My wife said to me "Look, I need to talk to you about your fixation with sh it". "Pull up a stool," I replied.

   My wife texted me this morning at work asking me to 'Do her tonight.' I'm not looking forward to it though as I'm bloody useless at impressions.....

   Benedict XVI won't even be able to sell his hat on eBay. He's closed his papal account...

   When my girlfriend was paralysed after the accident she worried about the changes it would make to her life. My concern was how would she cope now that she was single....

   My wife announced that she was leaving me because of my obsession with baking. I said, "there's no knead for that cupcake..."

   I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won, and the number of iPads I actually own...

   URGENT message to all ginger girls: Dont have a Brazilian; it looks like a fish finger....

   A man walks into a library and asks for a book on poor customer service. "Go f *ck yourself...." says the librarian.

   I found out two interesting things last night: 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbours have bought a new hot tub.....

   I bet John Lennon would have loved online transactions. Imagine all the PayPal...

   A girl came up to me in a bar last night and said, "Do you want me to show you a good time?" Excited, I said, "Yes." Then she ran 100m in 8.73 seconds...

   I keep putting things in the wrong containers in the kitchen. I don't think it's Alzheimers. That's a different kettle of fish...

   Thought for the day: An HMV gift card is not just for Christmas.... it's for life...