Funny Status Messages Search

X I'm not really an asshole, I just play one in your life.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-25-2011 08:54 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

<--Rate | Submitted: 06-02-2011 16:13 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-11-2011 22:17 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-25-2012 13:50 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way the pets and children do.

<--Rate | Submitted: 06-10-2010 06:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I've ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologize.

<--Rate | Submitted: 09-19-2012 22:19 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up it's the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-30-2011 01:12 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

<--Rate | Submitted: 03-29-2011 19:45 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X You can usually judge a women's hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.

<--Rate | Submitted: 11-11-2011 10:15 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X I like to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids I can show them a pic of me not giving a sh!t.

<--Rate | Submitted: 09-06-2011 15:11 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.

<--Rate | Submitted: 07-18-2010 18:22 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.

<--Rate | Submitted: 06-27-2011 16:10 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.

<--Rate | Submitted: 09-27-2011 15:09 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke...

<--Rate | Submitted: 01-23-2013 20:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)

X If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor

<--Rate | Submitted: 05-04-2011 16:23 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-19-2011 22:07 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X Facebook should allow you to automatically de-friend your ex from all of your friends.

<--Rate | Submitted: 04-20-2011 17:13 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X I like Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Sarah.

<--Rate | Submitted: 06-05-2010 13:18 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.

<--Rate | Submitted: 09-28-2011 15:54 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

X Since the world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.

<--Rate | Submitted: 06-10-2010 05:36 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)