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X I'm not really an asshole, I just play one in your life.
X Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.
X I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.
X If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.
X I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way the pets and children do.
X I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I've ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologize.
X When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up it's the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.
X It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
X You can usually judge a women's hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
X I like to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids I can show them a pic of me not giving a sh!t.
X KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.
X Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.
X Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.
X A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke...
X If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor
X I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.
X Facebook should allow you to automatically de-friend your ex from all of your friends.
X I like Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Sarah.
X The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.
X Since the world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.