hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   On this Presidents day we celebrate our great leaders; Washington, the father of our country, Lincoln, who freed the slaves, Reagan, who tore down that wall and Kennedy, who banged Marilyn Monroe.

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

   You can't change the past, but you can spoil the present, by worrying about the future.

   Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

   I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.

   There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let's dance.

   "Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you!"- women

   The ads where Bing says they're better than Google are so cute. Like when you let a kid think hes playing Xbox but the controllers unplugged.

   Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people's FB walls for their birthday other than "Happy Birthday!"

   I stop at random Jehovah's Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.

   If I had a time machine, I'd just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.

   I'm just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.

   I found a penny today and it reminded me of my ex...worthless and in everybody's pants.

   Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.

   If you wear a pirates outfit to PetSmart... you can walk out with a like eight parrots on each shoulder and they can't say nothing.

   After 4 crappy cruises,Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to "Still better than the Titanic!!!"

   I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me

   facebook should have an "I've seen enough" button.

   I just turned my keyboard upside down and shook it over my desk and now I don't have to go grocery shopping for at least two weeks.