andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too

   I'd like to be drunk with power but I've never even been buzzed. I'm like the designated driver of power.

   1st sneeze: Bless you. 2nd sneeze: Bless you 3rd sneeze: Get out of my life until you are finished with whatever this is

   Why do baby clothes have pockets? What do they need them for..baby wallets?

   To make a long story short quit right in the middle

   If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying

   Breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way.

   FACT: your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate

   I don't even know why I bother. Every time I get my car washed, the next day I drive into the back of a manure truck while texting.

   “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Mine's against giant radioactive sloths. Yours?

   Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo and my hair is super shiny but the neighbors won't like what I just did on their lawn.

   "Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" — Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids

   Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest?

   I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.

   Just ate a half slice of cold pizza abandoned by my kid and wondered for the first time if I really AM Living My Best Life

   I never trust a politician 'til I see his sleeves rolled up, then I realize "WHOA that is one hard-workin' public servant."

   If there's ever a crazed maniac chasing you with an ax, just picture him in his underwear and you won't be scared anymore.

   Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "NO YOU WILL NOT!"

   Me: I'm going to sleep Brain: No Me: Fine, I'll stay up Body: No