andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Every teenage girls super power is that they "literally die" every day and live to tweet about it.

   Another rapper was arrested with Justin Bieber. In related news, rappers are getting way less cool

   I think it's important to have a fitness plan you can actually stick to, which is precisely why mine is to become shipwrecked.

   Stuck in a meeting? Just start yelling Omaha! Then grab your papers and run out of there.

   "Careful, there's dog poop on the dance floor." - how ballet was invented.

   If you think the Harbaugh or Manning brothers are competitive, wait until you meet two friends of mine, named Niles and Frasier Crane.

   Did you hear that? Busta Rhymes is the best corner in the game. Don't you dare put him up against Crabtree.

   I hate cyclists. You're driving along enjoying life then BAM! you're stuck driving 10mph behind some jerk with way nicer calves than you

   Obama said he wouldn't let his son play football bc he fears it would cause dementia. Someone should tell Obama that he doesn't have a son.

   I just saw a guy wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for, but I'm hoping it was because he was wearing uggs

   Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I've never heard of.

   It's sad, 'cause even someone not particularly vain might think a song is about them, if enough details matched up.

   My only stalker is Sallie Mae

   Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

   I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.

   We need to start naming hurricanes after rappers. People might evacuate quicker if they know hurricane Ghostface Killah is coming.

   I'm just a regular guy, I boil my spaghetti one noodle at a time.

   However lonely you feel, you're never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.

   Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.

   How to lose an argument with a woman. 1) Argue