Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do I have to grow up? ..Isn't it enough that I've learned how to behave in public?

   Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

   I got my Bettle Juiced at the Denver touring production of Beetlejuice.

   I love Instagram... or as it should be called, "Insecure Bimbos With Daddy Issues and No Self-Respect."

   Some day you'll go far... and I hope you stay there

   I made instant coffee in the microwave. I went back in time.

   Oh thank goodness, now we can go back to leaving our houses unlocked and leaving keys in the truck again.

   Toilet was stolen out of city hall yesterday. Police say they have nothing to go on.

   Remembering 911 is easy. Remembering the phone number to Luigi's Pizza and Pasta Palace is not.

   I find it ironic that I have to use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

   Parenting teenage boys is like managing a small, rebellious nation. Negotiations are intense, there's always drama, and you're constantly working to keep the peace. But hey, at least I'm getting real-world experience in crisis management. 🤣🥰😄

   The Detroit Lions are leading the NFL in wins.

   Mess with your older neighbors by adding water to their rain gauges.

   I saw a mosquito stand on my arm and let it bite me while I just stared and said "is it in yet?" to make it feel insecure about itself.

   If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

   I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, damn that must have been really painful.

   A leopard can drag something half its weight up a tree. A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.

   Lesbians are

   I WENT AND PUT MY SYMPTOMS ON WEB MD. TURN OUT I HAVE GARY BUSEY DISEASE .

   I couldn't afford one of those DNA/ancestry kits, so instead, I posted that I won the lottery.