huck Funny Status Messages

   Beginning to wonder if starting each work day with 5 straight hours on Facebook may be kneecapping my productivity.

   I'll be your life coach. Stand up straight. Don't ever wear that in public. Speak properly. That will be 800 dollars. Cash.

   Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.

   The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I've decided to start growling.

   I have 2 hairstyles – cute and homeless

   Trying to quit electronic cigarettes by smoking real ones.

   I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.

   Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.

   I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.

   In Oregon a Labradoodle was unharmed after falling off a 200 ft cliff. Some suspect that he actually jumped because of the name "Labradoodle".

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me

   Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.

   he instructions for my funeral are for someone to come up front at the end and padlock my coffin shut just to freak everyone out.

   Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?

   I can't decide what I should be for halloween or any other day

   What's the best age to tell your kids that they have a weak rap game?

   Hey smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy.

   It's only November 2nd and I'm already seeing Halloween decorations