andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   George Lucas claims to have not seen the new Star Wars trailer. How many of us wish we could say that about the Phantom Menace?

   My brain must think sleep= death... every time I try to fall asleep, my life flashes before my eyes. Well, the embarrassing bits, anyways.

   If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.

   The holidays are a good time to think about those less fortunate than you. Aaaaaaand done.

   Science shows having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

   There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and Sally out in the snow. Come on, guys, let Sally back inside.

   I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

   Fly Eagles fly. To your offseason vacations and free agents meeting with other teams. Since you don't have playoffs to worry about.

   What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?

   If you’re ever in a swordfight, don’t swing at your opponent’s legs, because (a) he’ll hop over your sword, and (b) what are you doing?

   People using "obtuse" in a sentence think they're smart by using a $.10 word. Really, they only know it because Shawshank is on TV weekly

   "You're a tall drink of water." "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

   "This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel

   my anaconda wants what the heart can't have

   my life is like Jurassic Park but with no dinosaurs, just the part about a fat guy who resents his employer

   FACT: Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.

   "What's a good kind of medicine to take for my health?" "I'm not sure. Hey there's Larry the Cable Guy driving a jet ski onto land. Let's ask him."

   My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in for everyone

   Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

   People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.