andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   “Dude things are messed up with Syria.” “Yeah. I hope she performs better in iPhone 6.” I have stupid, really stupid friends

   The best part about legalizing marijuana would be not having to listen to anyone else explain to me why we should legalize marijuana

   I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors

   Just read 'Everybody Poops' but I'm still skeptical.

   I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor

   If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I should have learned some other stuff.

   Used to work at a funeral home, and whenever I called out sick I always felt like I was leading them on.

   I never understood why people use a persons picture for their caller ID; me personally I prefer to take a picture of myself and how that person makes me feel.

   I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I’m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don’t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   Can’t believe I grew up for this.

   Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   It pays to network: today, take time to call up every one of your business associates and just tell them that you love them.

   I’ve set my “life goals” to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective.

   My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments to make them look crazy.

   A word to the wise. A paragraph to the smart. A long-form essay to the oblivious. A silent, meaningful gesture to the enlightened.

   Knock knock! Who's there? Daisy! Daisy, who? Daisy me rollin, they hatin.

   Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

   I live by my father's motto: "Life is a football game. Try to fall asleep in the first quarter and complain if anyone shuts off the TV."

   Due to a Recommended Daily Allowance misprint I've been consuming 12 pounds of magnesium every day since 1988.

   I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.