andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Here's an idea for a costume. And your friends will never expect it. Try looking and behaving like a responsible person.

   Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 7' to 10' tall.

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

   If history has taught us anything, it's that reheated french fries are gross.

   Idea: one of those "[X] days without an accident" signs but for embarrassing text messages

   If your parents never once forgot to pick you up from school then our friendship is probably never gonna go past acquaintance level

   My guess is that roughly half of the U.S. economy is based on making commercials for auto insurance companies.

   I'm ok with how you work it. Moderate diggity, reasonable doubt.

   Breaking News. A woman finds something that she disagrees with. Does not take to social media in an ear splitting snit about it.

   What if, when you see your therapist jotting down notes, he is only writing his tweets for the next day from your dialog?. Think about it.

   “You wore that before” yea because it’s my shirt and I have a washing machine!

   I'm leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   Dear people jogging with that stupid smile on your face. I know what route you take and I will jump out of bushes and scare that smile away

   You may notice white girls wearing black armbands today. As all things pumpkin spice are replaced by all things peppermint.

   It sucks 'cause when I try to make bedroom eyes I make breakfast nook eyes by mistake and my wife just gets hungry.

   I shot the sheriff and his portraits in the park turned out great. Shooting the deputy tomorrow if weather permits

   So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?

   I went to a diner last night & the waitress asked "is pepsi okay?" I said I don't know!! did something happen?

   It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get it together, every other vegetable