Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday
←Rate | 08-23-2017 14:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??
←Rate | 09-08-2017 11:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
←Rate | 09-08-2017 17:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
←Rate | 09-13-2017 17:58 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.
←Rate | 08-24-2017 23:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon . I think mydog looks out the window when I leave for work to see that's it safe to lay on the sofa.
←Rate | 08-25-2017 17:56 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR
←Rate | 09-16-2017 13:06 by Hawg Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas. Why don't they tell you these things in advance?
←Rate | 10-12-2017 08:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.
←Rate | 04-18-2018 15:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My kid just found an Easter egg in the back yard, if you want to know how often I do yard work.
←Rate | 04-30-2018 15:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
←Rate | 05-02-2018 20:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.
←Rate | 05-07-2018 11:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 05:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 13:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just applied for a job with the local police. While I wait for their reply, should I start going after criminals or is it too soon?
←Rate | 05-26-2018 04:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.
←Rate | 06-06-2018 06:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.
←Rate | 06-14-2018 12:46 by Mediadude Comments (0)  


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