huck Funny Status Messages

   I asked my dry cleaners if they accepted credit cards and they said yes and then I asked if by chance they accepted declined credit cards.

   Time doesn't exist. It's an exclusive construct derived from the primitive human mind. - I tell myself as I set my alarm for 5am

   FACT: One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

   The only math I'm good at is adding insult to injury.

   It's because donkey and monkey don't rhyme that I'm so angry at the world.

   Let's be honest. She does NOT got Betty Davis eyes. She's on drugs.

   Somewhere out there is a legitimate Nigerian Prince crying into a huge pile of cash.

   Across this country right now, college marching bands are practicing call me maybe in time for the kickoff of college football.

   I've never once jumped into a taxi and yelled, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" Life is disappointing and movies are liars.

   Couples Advice: never go to bed angry. Stay awake for weeks, slowly going insane as your body and mind collapse in on themselves.

   All voicemail systems tell you the date and time of the message, so can you please, please, please stop telling me what time it is.

   Man this is a tough supermarket. Sign above the register says "12 items or else".

   Pretty sure you could "pull life support" from me just by turning off the a/c

   my family deals with the heat like it does other family members; by resenting it until it goes away

   Forgot to close a finger quote. Sorry the last seven years sounded so sarcastic.

   Sometimes when I'm in the shower I have epiphanies of intellectual brilliance. Other times I just think about chips and dip

   We become what we most hate. So I'll apologize now for eventually playing for the Cowboys

   If I ever post a joke that you don't like take comfort in the fact that I was clearly for one moment hacked

   It's only November 2nd and I'm already seeing Halloween decorations

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me