huck Funny Status Messages

   If I were a medical examiner, halfway through every autopsy, I would say "Yep, he's definitely dead." Just to lighten the mood.

   Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap

   Beginning to wonder if starting each work day with 5 straight hours on Facebook may be kneecapping my productivity.

   You would think that by now there would be rap battle re enactors.

   I may be dumb, but at least I'm not …wait, what was I talking about?

   What do I have to do to get out of work early? Will faking my death be sufficient? Because I'm totally up for that.

   Happy birthday to Sir Mix-A-Lot! People forget how persecuted big butts were before he wrote that song.

   You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.

   My fiance and her mom say more in one phone conversation to each other than my dad and I have in my entire life.

   Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT workers

   I'd rather lose an eye than show an old person how to use a computer.

   I read a burglar in Nova Scotia fled a crime scene in a canoe. The only way this could be more Canadian is if he was stopped by a police beaver dam.

   If a girl is really beautiful I end up complimenting her like I’m 5. You’re pretty. I like your hair. Neat shoes. Are you a princess? Hi.

   I always eat tacos over a tortilla, so when stuff falls out BOOM extra taco.

   I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

   What if we found out that there's no such thing as Federal Bikini Inspectors and those guys in the t-shirts are con-men?

   On the weekends, I'm a Cupcake War reenactor.

   Sometimes I wish saying "Uncle" to Life would work.

   I question how authentic your Italian restaurant when you're Wednesday special is 12" hot dog

   I'm in a weird place mentally. And physically. And geographically