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X "Vodka, Bourbon, Tequila!" - Me calling the shots.
X Which sounds classier, "dong," or "schlong?" I'm writing a letter to my grandmother.
X I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
X Paperclip: The staple for people with commitment issues.
X I think these news stations are missing the boat with these marathon storm tracking sessions. They need to sell advertising! "This Tornado warning is brought to you by Glad Trash Bags. Glad...when you have to clean debris the next morning, don't get mad..
X Turns out, if your boss is mad at you, playing a surprise game of "Got Your Nose" will NOT ease the tension.
X I hate gently tossing my phone on the bed and it ricocheting off three walls, hitting a lamp, and a cat.
X Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes.
X The N-B-A lockout continues. Which explains the 8-foot man cleaning my windshield this morning.
X People who say they don't have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about them.
X A heads up to girls on Facebook .. if your status says "single" and your profile picture is you with your cat - Well then that is why
X What a tattoo on your face really means: "I've gone as far in society as I'd like to."
X When my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special extended edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.
X A journey of ten feet begins with a single “Where the #%!= is the remote?”
X When I say I will NEVER do something, rest assured I'll be doing it within 6 weeks.
X Wait - so we're NOT supposed to eat the Silica Gel packet?
X Grocery store flowers; show someone you care slightly more than not at all.
X A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
X Trying to understand quantum physics. Cause trying to understand women is just too damn hard.
X It's not that we're anti-social, it's just that our phones got more interesting than human interaction.